I so enjoy this topic! My journey has led me on a similar path as many of you: QUESTION EVERYTHING!
I met the Lord when I was seven years old and He saved my life. He was very real, very present, spoke to me. Had I not listened, I would not be alive today. In my twenties, I began attending church...and found a lot of nonsense. Scripture used to oppress women into being nothing more than unpaid hookers, black labs, and maids. Husbands and fathers were given all the rights, while wives and daughters were taught "obey" "submit" or God would strike us with lightening, close our wombs, burn down our houses, and give our husbands' permission to cheat on us. I was in and out of my first marriage after 4 years because the church I attended SANCTIONED my husband having an affair, coerced me into allowing her to move into our house while she divorced her husband, then coached them both on divorcing me. Then the church pressured me to leave, saying I would be targeting their men for affairs. When I asked God why they made me leave, He laughed and said, "They won't let Me in either."
I learned in that church by their ugliness to seek the Lord alone, to trust His Voice instead of the voice of man, and man's interpretation of His Word. Was I a saint during this time? Nope. I made lots of mistakes!! And He didn't strike me with lightening after all. There were times that I could hear the disappointment in His Voice when I prayed to Him and He answered though. That hurt me more that getting burned by lightening, trust me. And the most painful part...His silence. Looking back I realize those times were well deserved, yet they hurt me very much.
A decade later, I choose to marry again. The promise (from the man not from God) was that we would be missionaries to Uganda, raise our kids on the mission field, homeschooling while he flew small planes for the ministry organization. My first clue that something was amiss was when the ministry director found out I was marrying this particular man. That was when I should have run. There were more and more red flags along the way, but I wanted to be the "good Christian wife". Three years into the marriage, he dropped the act, and I learned he had an severe addition to sex that he was unable to control. It didn't help that leaders in our church were swingers though. Yeah, that's a real thing. And because I wouldn't play along, I was attacked, isolated and mistreated by everyone in leadership including the pastor's wife (who later confessed to the congregation that she was having affairs with 14 year old boys).
Somewhere in the middle of all that weirdness, God asked me, "When will you believe who I say you are? Stop believing them."
After twelve years, I filed for divorce...endured the wrath of that very large church that had a lot of influence in our small town, was called all manner of ugly things, accused of affairs, etc. (by the people who were actually have the affairs...go figure). I wouldn't darken the door of a church again. Instead I went hiking, went for drives and bike rides and talked to God myself. And each day, He trusted me with fantastic wisdom, pointed me in the direct of REAL TRUTH (like showing me the videos for Stolen History, and leading me here), showed me how different versions of the Bible had been corrupted and why, and especially answered EVERY SINGLE PROMISE He had made to me. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
God has nothing to do with religion. He is EVERY thing to do with Relationship. He showed me a way of prayer was quite damaging to the evil forces, and part of that prayer even says, "Hide me in the Shadow of Your Wing, Lord" so that the enemy doesn't see me and I am safe. He especially answers that prayer often.
Each of us has to make our own journey with Him. It's starts by talking to Him. Exodus 33:11a "Thus the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a friend to a friend..." WE can do this too. The more time you spend talking to Him, the more He will sort out your life, your relationships, your finances, your future, your job...everything. And He will teach you the most AMAZING things! If it helps, He had me start at the beginning, Genesis. I would write a chapter or a half chapter a day before I went to bed. I still do this, though I am only focused on the Torah, or first five books (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deutonomy). He has cautioned me about the New Testament, showed me data about the KJV, the Council of Nicia (sp) and King James forcing a patriarchal slant to the Bible meant to oppress women into subservient roles, when HE SAYS women are co heirs with Christ just like men are.
I could write a book here, lol...so I won't. I just encourage each of you to seek Him for yourselves. We are all walking different paths, have come from different backgrounds, and will live different futures. There isn't a "one size fits all" method to knowing God. He simply wants a very personal relationship with each one of us, like He had with Enoch (the descendant of Seth...not Cain's son) who never saw death but was translated to be with God. Now THAT is my kind of relationship!!
